Why We Try to Control What We Cannot Control
Today, I’ve been thinking about the question:
Why do we try to control what cannot be controlled?
The Desire for Control
There seems to be something deeply human about the desire for control. The person tail-gaiting you because they’re displeased you’re not going fast enough; the forgetful friend who sets 10 alarms in the morning to remind her to leave for work on time; the spouse who urges their loved one to go to therapy; the wellness influencers who biohack their way to “perfect'“ health.
When Control Helps Us
Perhaps control gives us a sense of safety, or a feeling that life is somehow manageable, secure, and predictable. The brain is an organ of prediction, after all.
And to some extent, control is fruitful and helpful. It allows us to make plans, to shape our lives how we’d like, and to effect change in our world. It can be deeply satisfying and gratifying to impact the world around us and watch our efforts bear fruit. There’s no doubt about that.
The Limits of Control
And yet, many of us will eventually encounter the limitations of our perceived sense of control. We will encounter moments where life simply does not bend to our will how we’d like it to. There will be romantic relationships that don’t turn out the way we hoped they would; we will be denied or rejected from opportunities we wanted; our bodies will get sick, they will age; and, no matter how valiantly we effort and prepare, those sought-after outcomes can dreadfully remain beyond our control. The future is therefore uncertain.
It’s easy to think that we can make life fully predictable if we just prepare enough, analyze enough, or plan enough. If we just do something, we will surely get the outcome we desire, right?
I know I’ve been deeply disappointed when things did not turn out how I expected, how I wanted and hoped for. Now surely, sometimes our efforts do shape the outcomes we want. We can study hard and pass the exam; we can work diligently to get into the university of our dreams; we can do things to improve our physical and mental health. I’m not denying any of this, because it’s all true.
I am a proponentof control. I work with children and adults as a therapist, and I believe wholeheartedly that connecting someone with their sense of agency and control is vitally important across the lifespan. To be human is to effect change and do things.
Are We Controlling Life, or Suffering?
But, we must also become curious about our aspirations for control. Because we may not be trying to just control outcomes, but to control suffering.
If I can ensure things go the way I hoped, then I can avoid disappointment. I don’t have to feel helpless, hopeless, despair, grief, or vulnerability. I can avoid what seems unbearable. I can cocoon myself in security and pleasurable emotions and believe the lie that life is entirely in my hands.
Anyone who has been part of a system that failed them knows that there are many, many facets of life beyond our immediate control.
But that valiant search for control is completely understandable. The human psyche works diligently to avoid pain and to create safety for itself. And how wonderful that is. Talk about self-love, right?
When Seeking Control Hurts
But there may also come a point in your life, whether it’s passed already, is here right now, or will one day come your way, where attempting to control something brings with it its own suffering. Those of us with anxiety know this experience deeply.
The monitoring, planning, anticipating, and striving begin to actually narrow our lives rather than expand them. In our attempts to feel better, we begin feeling worse.
There are even some existential thinkers who have suggested for centuries that beneath all anxiety lies a confrontation with uncertainty, our own limitations, and, at the very core, our own mortality. There is a recognition that no matter how tightly we grip life, even if our fingers bleed, we will never gain the security we seek. We cannot guarantee love, nor health, nor even our own existence.
So perhaps this is one of the greatest tensions of being human: we long for certainty in a world that simply cannot offer it.
Now, even though this may be true, there’s still no need to pretend we don’t want control. That’s like saying we don’t want to breathe. I think that’s unrealistic. But there may be another way of relating to life beyond attempting to control and dominate it to fit our needs. Maybe, just maybe, we can open ourselves to more peace.
Learning to Live With Uncertainty
In Taoist thought, there is the idea of Wu Wei, which means to move with life, rather than constantly forcing oneself against it. And in this way, seeking control is like swimming upstream. Sometimes it’s fruitful and you happen to catch a fish, and sometimes it’s needlessly exhausting.
And similarly, in Stoicism, there is an emphasis on focusing on what’s within our sphere of influence and choosing our attitude in any given situation. Even Holocaust survivor and psychiatrist Viktor Frankl said something very similar about his experiences as an inmate in Auschwitz.
Life will mature you, as it does all of us. And there is wisdom in learning how to live with uncertainty rather than spending precious time trying to eliminate it.
So the invitation is to become curious. Slowing down to consider how control shows up in your life is a way to meet yourself more clearly.
Reflective Questions
How might believing something is under your control serve you?
What would it mean to acknowledge that something is not in your control?
What emotions, beliefs, memories come up for you as you become aware of that?
What would it take to accept that something is not in your control?
Can you remember a time when something happened that was beyond your control? What did it feel like? How did you cope?
Take your time. Sit with the questions and their answers. There is no rush.
